orbit

One More Time

By now his outdoor orbits of the house

approach the frequency of comets passing.

Yet when I ask what he's been up to since

he says he's been out in the fields walking.

And at once I know where he means. He says

he goes to keep his mind from wandering.

Andrew McNeillie 

My mind is wandering; roving like an unhappy ghost around old fears and unhappinesses. Sleeplessness, sudden doubts, this grey grey rain that just will not stop and the news that I dread but can't switch off. The sweat prickle awareness that each day is one less.  The remorseless orbit of thoughts. 

In the same way I've forgotten the feeling of sun on skin I've forgotten the simple pleasure of sleeping and living without the stone in the stomach. I know it will pass and pass quickly. The sun will come out, I'll sleep and will wake and forget this as I forget that time is passing. Until next time. 

While I wait for the orbit to slow, I'll practice the piano.  Buy some new herbal tea and stop for cake on the way home. Go to the yoga class tonight that I don't want to go to just because I don't want to go anywhere. Put on my boots and my hat and get out. Fare foreward.

Comments

[Denise | Chez Danisse]

Hi, Kate. Like you, I get out. Walking is almost always helpful. Sometimes I go to a quiet theater alone and watch the matinee showing of a movie. And bookstore browsing and buying followed by a nice visit to a cafe or park bench with my new book can brighten a mood. Do something nice for yourself today, something special and just for you. Take care, Denise

[Shayla]

This is beautiful, in a really haunting way. I hope you find quiet and contentment soon!

[sally]

I know the feeling well. Usually I write in a journal (to get the thoughts out of my head and onto paper), or lose myself in a series or book. But that hasn't been helping lately, so I've been working out often - really helps with the stress, I'm finally going to sleep with a smile on my face.

Sincerely hoping you you feel better soon! :)

[ginny]

i experience these feelings too kate and in theory i know how to dispel them but in practice i find it hard. I often ignore my own wisdom and retreat into myself which embeds these feelings further.
interacting with others changes my mood, as does movement, and taking care of myself. today i listened and i made a fruit smoothie, i stretched and i felt better. sometimes clarity for these jumbled unsettling thoughts only comes with an outsplurge onto paper. i literally get the thoughts out of my head, make them visible and only then can i see what to do.
i am pleased you went to yoga, yoga is good. i am trying to do a little at home until i can go to class again.
i hope tomorrow brings a change and your mood shifts and that the sun shines and this relentless rain dissipates
with much love X

[Hila]

I know that feeling, and I wish there was a magical way to speed up its removal. I overthink and wander too much. But then again, I wouldn't be me if I didn't do that.

[little house]

Denise, I took your advice - book, cafe, walk. Cinema sounds good too!

Shayla, I do feel better, thank you.

Sally, physical exhaustion is a good way to quieten the mind. I'm working to increase my breathlessness!

Ginny, wise words - wise you! yoga together soon x

Hila, your observation that you wouldn't be you without the wander and the overthink is a perfect way to think about it. These waves will wash over me because they arise from who I am - and they'll ebb for the same reasons. Thank you for a new perspective.

[Annie]

yes I think activity, even if one feels they're are dragging themselves through mud to do things...keeping busy helps banish the wandering, worrying mind. I do hope you are well, and your restless thoughts have dissipated.

[Anna]

I wish I had an answer - everyone else's advice is so, so good but I always have a hard time doing any of those things. I usually dwell and worry and lie on the couch and sit with it all and weep.

I'm catching up with you from the most recent post, so am reading backwards and so glad you're feeling better now - you disappeared and I went in my cave and I missed your presence in my life, shining through my screen.

Xoxoxo