fare forward

I'm in a bit of a bind. With this new year hurtling by so fast it's taking my breath away and this song going round in my mind, I need to decide what I'm going to commit to over this next year, and beyond, to make myself happy. The kind of intrinsic happiness that comes from doing something that you love and that leaves you with the sense of a day well lived. Something beyond the daily contentment of family: something entirely personal. These last years have been so full of parenting that this kind of decision was, more or less, redundant. Now, before another birthday comes, I feel I need to make that choice and get going. But making the choice between different options is where I come unstuck.

There are many things I love and that fire me up. Some of those things - art, making, photography - are more simple pleasures. They don't cause me too many problems. But the writing that I know is what I really need to commit to is where the fear lives. It's words that have always held me and exercised me and filled my secret corners. The trouble is, I'm not at my happiest whilst lost in words. It's too deep a descent into the world of the hidden, and the excavation of words and meaning is hard. I'm distracted - preoccupied - often lost. It's like being back in the forest and choosing the path that looks the most impenetrable. It may be that I have to exchange the comfort of a gentle, immediate form of happiness for the sort that comes when something hard has been achieved. When fears are faced down and seen off.

There's a small circle of blue breaking through the dense clouds that have suddenly taken away the promise of spring. Enough to make a sailor a pair of trousers my grandmother would say with satisfaction; knowing it was likely that the day would turn out well after all. I have most of this day in front of me and I won't make it better by indulging in yet more circular thought. I think I know what I've got to do. 


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Reader Comments (4)

I went hopping around within these walls after I read this post and when I came back I noticed the bird atop the statue. And I go back to this sentence -- " It's words that have always held me and exercised me and filled my secret corners." All I know is, today, your words brought me awareness. I am grateful.
March 6, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTracy
It's lovely to hear from you Tracy. That bird makes me smile.
March 6, 2012 | Registered Commenterlittle house
I love her passion, joy, and focus in that video.

I think I know how you feel about the descent that accompanies good writing, writing that fulfills. It seems your decision has been made. Enjoy.
March 12, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDenise | Chez Danisse
I cannot wait to see what you do. To read it.
March 20, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAnna

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